Real HoH of Las Vegas

2011-10-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

Day 7-ish... I'm now at 148 so I have 8 lbs to go to get to my first initial goal of 140. My final goal is 132. I think I could live with that. I want to get there and maintain though. Not going back to my evil ways... so that will take some training.

Yesterday was loads of fun. We had a trunk-or-treat and Teague was a skull ninja. He won scariest costume! Charlotte was the cutest little tinkerbell, etc. Teague's dad was married on Friday, in a recent conversation with Kate he told her his dad got married and he thought it was gross because they were going to take their shirts off and kiss. Kate perked up and said "My mom and daddy got married once!". It's too funny. Teague is wrapping his mind around that concept so it'll be interesting to see how the mixed fam thing works.

Off to music lessons and twisting Teague's arm to go to the Clark Count museum cause I'm craving the creep right now.

2011-10-19T19:41:00.001-07:00

Hump day. I'm on day 2 of the real deal diet. I'm exhausted and feeling faintly out of it while my son drills me and the nephews swirl about like gaingly muses. Currently at 152.3. Just 28 days to go... will. not. cheat. Holding on to my guns like crazy, but what I really want to do is fall face first into a pizza and a six pack. I'm cursed. There are plenty of girls that hate that stuff. Why couldn't I be on of them. Must not over-think and plod along like the Clydesdale.

2011-10-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

Since I know no one reads the ramblings of a single working mother... trying to lose the muffin top. (Muffin top who has become almost a person that I take around with me like an extra limb)... I'm going to do the whole blog tracking thing again.

So this is day 3 - 27 days to go. No cheating this time. I am promising.

Last night I killed a six packer of pumpkin ale and loads of beans, cheese and carnitas at the SuperMex for my load.

154.8 - need to find a measuring tape for the wast thing.

I'll be back with some more boring stuff later.

2011-10-18T16:39:00.001-07:00

Testing... testing out the new format. Uhemm...

Sundays are just the best

2011-08-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

Except when you are actually trying to "do stuff". So I got some roach traps and have put them around every corner of the house. I have admonished Teague to stay away from them or he will DIE. Hopefully that is a good enough threat but somehow I think if I threatened to take away his PS3 he would be more apt to mind.

So task list for the day:

1. Clean the stinky fish - check
2. Sort the stinky mail - in progress
3. Clean the stinky bathrooms - dreading!
4. Rent check/air vent/school shorts trip to Walmart - after I finally shower for the day
5. Laundry - My antichrist... the dreaded laundry wherein I do all the clothes that I have gotten from Walmart. How did I become so lethargic and cheap in my middle age I will never know.

Thas all fur now.

I'm pondering whether or not to do a weight loss journey blog in addition to this so that I can obsess about food and post unflattering fat pictures of myself. Yay!!!

ttfn

Alone on a Saturday Night

2011-08-13T23:51:00.000-07:00

Not that it's a bad thing. For once I have been able to accomplish nap, dishes, and one load of laundry in that order. I'm still recovering for a weeks worth of avoiding mental breakdown. I feel that the only way to be more accomplished today is to blog. See blogging now. I'll try to make this more of a habit but can't promise anything. I'm going to try to document some of my coming to terms with faults and flaws and roaches... lots of roaches... must find bug bomb tomorrow.

Task for tomorrow include: cleaning, getting ready for Teague to come home, and staying sane another day. Woohoo...

On the plus side, just had the artiest weekend ever. Hung my first wall and committed to doing a one woman show in March. What am I thinking? Well that's all I got for now. Fingers so tired of small typing.

To do list

2010-10-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

The podcast that I'm totally loving these days is the Chaos Chronicles. I really enjoy listening to Lian and her discussion on daily life, marriage, kids, etc. I think if I could come back reincarnated, it would for sure be the Pasadena housewife. Being the Las Vegas, single-working mom feels a little more complicated sometimes. So it's my happy place to listen to her these days. She always has a To Do list. So I thought that maybe I would share a couple of things on my To Do list for this week.

1. Clean the inside of my car. This is a daily thing that bugs me. The inside of the windows are covered with Teague's tiny paw prints. When the sun catches it just right it looks like a vehicle that has been transporting many child kidnap victims. His hand-prints are everywhere. I won't even mention the horror show in the back seat. It's covered in melted ice-cream and pen scribbles. OY.

2. Clean the bedroom. The last place I clean is my bedroom. I always start with the kitchen, livingroom, etc. and lose steam by the time I get to my private quarters. I really need to organize the drawers, etc. It looks like a crack whore lives here.

So anyway - those are my top 2 that I never seem to get to. But this week maybe?

Obsessing about "The Man"

2010-10-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

Main things on my mind. I'm trying to make a move inside of my corporation, and it's turning out to be hard and possibly lateral. I'm tired of lateral. I can't afford lateral. But at least it's not down. Stupid damned economy. I blame George Soros. And why not? When are women going to take the crusty old men down? Is it too much for a girl to dream. Sometimes it just gets hard to fight the system. Sometimes a girl needs a break. So Soros…I won't be mad at you anymore if you just pinch a little bit off of that useless money that you like to throw at world domination my way so I can get a manicure…really help a girl out. Make a real difference for a "change".

I'm baaaaaack

2010-09-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

After taking a hiatus of about 2 years...I'm feeling the urge to blog again. So to start out I thought you would enjoy my HCG Journey. I'm posting this now because I managed to lose all of this weight and this week somehow magically I've put 5 pounds back on...which is just horrid. So in remembrance of all my hard work I'm posting this so that I can maintain my accountability to myself.

Day 1:

I'm so tired so I'll right this quick style. I started the diet by doing a two-day binge (don't go crazy - it's required). I went to the park this morning, helped myself to pizza, pasta, oatmeal cookies from the Devil known as Debbie Snack Cakes. I spent time with the boy playing on the slip n' slide and fountains, etc.

I'm still worried about everything, but am highly motivated based on the last couple of pictures I've seen of myself. Current weight 158. Feeling fat, bloated, tired and unattractive. Hoping for change, hoping for change.

Day 2:

Still on a binge day. Ate my face off this morning, chips & salsa, Faustitos quesadilla, beans and rice. Half a pot of coffee and a couple of beers. The binge part of this is working because I've gained 2 pounds since yesterday.

Current weight 160 pounds. Feel awful. I'm still so sad about letting myself get this way and allowing it to go on for so long. It's hard not to live in the past and know that not 5 or 6 years ago I was 115 pounds. I've gained almost 50 pounds. Just freaking scary. I don't want to live like this any more! I'm ready to bury my past deep. Scrub myself clean again.

Tomorrow I start the Low Carb diet. If Moses can fast 40 days - surely I can right :) Better find me some religion real quick.

Day 3

I don't know if it's a placebo thing…but I'm already feeling a little different. I had a little trouble going to bed last night and woke up queasy and anxious this morning. But I'm not hungry! That's a plus right? Current weight 158.2.

I'm having coffee and water for breakfast and will get an apple for 10 a.m., grilled chicken and green salad for lunch. Not sure about dinner yet. I guess I should go shopping for some protein. I'm just SO broke right now. That's always a part of my anxious habits…lately whenever I'm bust (which is all the time) I get so nervous that this whole thing is just going to go under and I won't be able to support myself or Teague. Then I just want to drink and eat until I don't feel scared anymore.

That's a problem, I know! Anyhool 29 days left VLCD. Please dear god let this and everything else work.

So I've also decided that I need a month off of Facebook…it's a total time suck and pointless. I'm going to cut down on T.V. and ween Teague off of it too.

Day 4

Yesterday was super hard. I kept craving chili cheese dogs, etc. I was irritable and tired by the afternoon, but not as tired as I usually am. I had the energy to take a walk with Teague to the park, but I realized that I just still don't have the energy or motivation to chase him around. Which is SO sad. I want to do that. And I wan to NOT be broke anymore. I am so scared.

I woke up this morning craving chocolate chip cookie dough for some reason. I am at 156 lbs. I guess not bad for one day right? Wish me luck.

The chicken breast wasn't bad and I loved the turkey burger. So fingers crossed!

Day 5

Holy crap…I am having the hardest time believing this. I'm at 154 lbs…crazy!!!! I'm so excited that I just don't believe this actually works! I have to be fast cause I'm super late. C'mon 140!!! That would put me at my prepreggers weight. Now I have the motivation to keep going. 25 days left.

Day 6

I'm feeling tired and unmotivatedd -- which is sooo normal! This morning I weighted 153 lbs. It's still so weird to lose weight this fast. I'm so excited, it seems to be working. I just hope that I can keep it off once it is and it's permanent. I want it to be so. I'm craving my lovely cereal this morning, but I don't feel hungry for once. Food is starting to take an abstract appearance…like you can eat that? Anyhoo…24 days left.

Day 7

Woke up this morning feeling a little dizzy - but am fine now. Running super late. I weighed 151.2 today!!!! 23 days left.

Day 8

Yesterday was hell at work. I didn't get to each lunch at all - so I ended up indulging in crackers and made the mistake of stopping at "Raising Canes" after work - I thought maybe they would have some grilled chicken tenders…I was so wrong. All they have there is deep fried chicken and fries and they tasted so good…but I'm loath now that I did that…Oh Well! I weighted 151.8 this morning. 22 days left.

Day 9/10

I was very naughty and had a breakdown at lunch time where I ate a baked potato with chili and some pretzels with cheese and a few saltine crackers…I was craving salt so bad! but it bit me in the ass b/cause I am now up to 153.2. BUMMMER….you really, really, really can't cheat on this diet at all. I'm emotional eating to b/cause I asked if they noticed and said no…that's kind of a bummer too. I'm feeling really exhausted but I think that's more due to some emotionally draining circumstances due to my finances…blah…but I'm working on that too. So now I'm on a diet and a budget.

On the plus side, I think I'm getting a lot more clarity in my life. I'm starting to objectively think about my past relationships and woke up this morning wanting to write Randy and tell him how much I was sorry, etc. and also that I was done having contact with him. Same for T - it felt good to have those thoughts (I haven't been willing to let go before). But I don't even think I have to write them…do you? Maybe I do. I'll think it over and if I still feel the same way a week from now I'll do it.

Final thoughts…Weekends are going to be bad b/cause I have free time and am surrounded by food at home.

Day 11
Whew! Survived the weekend and it was hard. I think it's actually good to be at work and be busy instead of around my pantry all day. Not that there is anything in it right now. This morning I weighed 152 on the nose. I'm so close to 140's I can taste it. It's such a thrill. I haven't been in this territory since I was preggers.

I deleted Randy from my facebook and phone…and man it felt good to finally let the ex go. I wonder that my depression and weight gain has been me hanging on to these gangrenous relationships that should have rotted off years ago. I feel refreshed, clean and more clear than I've been in years.

This week is going to be hard. It's newsletter week and that interprets into one big gang-bang for Nichole…it's not fair, but I have to suck it up and get through it. Planning a trip to Utah, so I need to get some shit done or they won't let me leave. Dear Jesus, please help me.

20 days left.

Day 12

I'm running late again. I slept in this morning and woke up feeling drugged and uneasy…why always uneasy! I hate that…Anyhoo, the plus part is that the hungry is starting to go away and be more manageable. I accidentally had a handful of Teague's fries last night, those just tasted weird though, not even really good. I weighed 151.6 this morning. So close, no cigar. I hope it moves again soon.

19 days left.

Day 13

7:30 on newsletter week hell…just trying to go to my "happy place". Arrrrrrgh! Such a nightmare. Anyhoo - I weighed 150 this morning. So exciting!!! This is finally paying off. The next thing I need to do is amp up my energy level. I've been a total bum this week. I need to take walks, etc. I'm a bit constipated too (I know TMI). I guess I also have to learn about phases - apparently this is phase 2 and then there is phase 3 & 4 maintenance.

18 days left

Day 14

OKKKKKKEEEEEYYYYY milestone!! I hit 149.6 today. I haven't seen the 140's in years! Years I tell you. I'm so excited. I'm feeling a little guilty cause I ate a few more fries (got to stop ordering those for Teague) and I had one oatmeal cookie last night at our little afterdark picnic int he backyard. I couldn't refuse when he so sweetly handed it to me. I'm so freaking excited. This is really motivating!

17 days left

Day 15, 16, 17

I went to Utah for the 24th of July weekend. So bigggg trouble in little vacation. I was mostly good but basically fell into a huge pile of guacamole and ate a OMG good reeces pieces cookie and then yesterday couldn't stop eating these little oatmeal ones that I bought for Teague. Had a baked potato and chili yesterday on the way home. Thank goodness for Wendy's. The cool part of the trip is that everyone seems to be noticing the weight loss so that's a great thing. Very encouraging. I wish I could have lost more this week. I think I am also going to start the from the couch to 5k programs since I'm going to run the alien run this year. I left Teague in Utah and miss him so much already. I felt okay about it until Joe let me know that he wanted to take him for two weeks in August (spare me some gas money will you buddy?)

Anyhoo - 148.6 this morning. I had one moment where I was at 147.6 on Saturday. So I've yo-yoed a bit.

I'm going add a few days since I think that I should have originally done 40 days. I want to keep going so….

24 days left

Day 18

Ugh…up to 149. I don't think the weekend vacay helped…so I'm going to do the "apple" day. I guess you eat up to 6 apples and drink a lot of water. Boohoo…I still haven't been going to the bathroom very regularly so that might be an issue….Bummmer deal.

23 days left

Day 19

Okay so I'm down a little today…the scale is being schizo - this morning it said 147.8 and just now it said 148…so it's around there. Woot. I'm going to do just apples today since I'm suppose to have dinner with friends tonight and she wants to do Pizza and beer…yikes…as much as I want. I don't want.

I'm going to start C25K next week. So we will see how that goes. I need some exercise up in this biznitch.

Going to Utah again this weekend. So thrill of driving!

22 days left

Day 20

Was a very bad girl last night. Took a break and had Pizza and Beer. Funny thing is it tasted sorta good…but not like I remember it being. I'd rather not do it again for a while. Woke up with a horrid headache and feeling like crap so not worth it. 147.8 this morning. Again.

Trying the "apple" day thing to see if I can jolt this again. I just want to get to 140! C'monnnnn.

21 days left.

Day 19

No progress. No progress. 148. Stuck…even did only apples yesterday, and then had some popcorn at the movies that night. So that's probably the issue.

20 days left

Day 20

Okay, so taking trips while dieting sucks! I fell off of the "plan" and gained a pound 149.8 this morning. Scary business! Officially an "apple" day.

19 days left

Day 21

Ummmm…yeah! Officially lost weight this week. 145.8 pounds. Sooooo close to pre preggers. So excited about that. I've got another week or so to lose some poundage, so lets do this.

I officially don't want to go back to my "old ways" I had 4 Coronas this weekend and felt like total crap afterwords. Depressed, bloated, awful…I really don't do well with alcohol, and seriously - do I need it?

18 days left

Day 22

So this morning I was 145.2 - I was a little naughty yesterday so I'm making it up today. I've been nervous and agitated. So I had a couple of spoonfuls of rice crispy and half of Teague's sausage mcmuffin yesterday. Boo Nichole.

17 days left

****

9/26/2010

Starting over again….

I weighed myself this morning and I'm back to 150!!!! FUCCCCKK!!! I'm not happy. I've been very bad. Eating everything in front of my face. Last night I had McDicks despite already have eaten soup…4 beers and a 3 musketeers. I did have a nice long walk - but overslept this morning and missed it.

Today I must do a cleanse…so the plan is:

Coffee - brkfst
Lunch - Greens w/ chicken breast
Dinner - Apple & some steak

no freaking cheating this week. I think part of this is that I decided to stop my wellbutrin and now it feels like I'm putting that weight back on.

The 7 Deadly Sins: 1-3

2010-04-14T06:06:00.000-07:00

I can pinpoint my weight loss failures on the following seven deadly sins.

1. Coffee.

Which in itself is not bad. But I'm a "blonde" which means I prefer my coffee with cream and sugar. I can't get around drinking it that way. I recently gave it up for a month and was disappointed that I didn't really see a difference in my weight when I did. I thought that maybe it would be the equivalent of giving up a chocolate doughnut every day, but I guess it isn't the same thing. I had a relapse when I pulled the pot out the other day for my dad's wife, as a general rule of hospitality, you should never leave your guests without their morning crack.

2. Alcohol

Once again, in moderation...people seem to be able to pull this off. I am not a moderation girl. I do everything in huge college frat proportions. I can easily put a 6-pack away faster than Kevin Federline. I also prefer beer which I know to be calorie toxic and horrid for women in particular because of the yeast. I don't mind wine, but the switch has been hard...and the fact of the matter is that I think I drink too much anyway and should probably permanently give it up. I'm in one of those situations where my crutch has become my club foot.

3. Chips n' Salsa

I love tomatoes. I love salsa...I love anything associated with it. Salsa isn't bad by itself, but It needs a mode of transportation. There in lies the problem. It usually travels by the way of lovely, salty, tortilla chips. I have not found a good subsitution for this yet. But when I do, the heavens will open up and I will cry happy tears. And no, cucumbers have not been able to make the switch for me...but I will try it again.

What is with me and small town boys

2009-05-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

Part of the hazard I have living vicariously through my exes - they all seem to come from these tiny little towns. Maybe my own lack of a "home" to call home. Officially no homestead in this family. Hell a trailer park plot in Vernal just might be better than that. Maybe it's that I romanticize the fields of wild grass, swimming holes, local cafes where you can get things like bumbleberry pie, bars where everyone knows your name and your past, present, and future goings ons...I don't know what it is that I just love about that idea.

The idea of driving into the wilderness to deposit my kid just outside of Vernal however,...not loving so much.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

I am of the opinion that Easter is second only to Halloween in TCS (Toxic Candy Syndrome). Giving children access to something they can't control is like delivering the Taliban a working nuke and expecting them not to blow themselves and others up with it.

This photo is the result of me turning my back for two seconds. I have no idea why he decided to give himself a chocolate bunny facial. Sometimes I just don't understand.

The Deception of Envy

2009-04-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

I had to write really quick about this funny and strange incident I had yesterday.

I received a gift certificate very kindly this Christmas from a lovely lady at work for a 1-hour massage at Massage Envy. It had been a couple of seriously stressful months with lots of changes at work and lots of changes with Teague the not really Terrible Toddler. I've managed to work myself up enough knots to remember that I had this card in that pile of stuff in the kitchen.

So I pull it out - just like I had discovered buried treasure. A treat for momma was finally going to happen.

I scheduled my appointment and it came up before I knew it. I was a little behind (as usual) and was racing to get there from work. When I walked in the door I was immediately wooshed past the receptionists into the dark spa lair atmosphere. I ended up ruining the mood before she got her hands on me I had to tell her I needed the bathroom before this goes anywhere (thanks to a half full Rockstar I had in the car on the way over).

By the time I laid down for this massage I was stiff as a board. I was so tense I felt like a cat clinging to a branch about to fall.

The therapist begins, and she's actually pretty good. Except she doesn't stop talking. Which is a great treat in a hair stylist - and horrid in a massage therapist. And worst of all she mainly was trying to upsell me on a membership and the benefits of coming in every other week. Last time I checked nineteen-year olds new nothing...much less how often I need a massage.

As she goes on, I decide what the hell - since we are having a full-on conversation whilst she's kneading my ass, I might as well ask her about her job. I've been curious why Suzy suddenly develop such a dislike for this profession to the point that only love interests can coax those "magic hands" out of retirement. Well I soon heard more than I wanted to hear. The therapist goes on to describe smelling "butt" and a lady with both of her toes completely black and barely connected...etc. I was shuddering - and at the same time hoping I didn't ever smell like "butt" at any of my massages...shudder. My hat goes off to you Suzy for doing it for so long...

So after talking for an hour and a not very relaxing massage I was in a hurry to get out of there and to get to the Oyster Bar for Friday cocktails! I felt pretty good - and although she chatted, my back was noticeably looser. As I go to the front desk to arrange payment with the gift card that started this whole thing, I was fiddling with my blackberry as the receptionist (who looks like that dude that married the "other" Simpson Sister - you know the one with all that hip spikey mod haired goodness abounding, ) Starts sending papers across the desk for me to sign.

I'm still groggy at this point with all those toxins floating about so I just start signing. Before you know it he had my credit card. I'm talking this guy was a smooth operator, if he wasn't gay I'm sure he could get any lady undressed in under 5 minutes.

I stumble out of there blinking in the sunlight and holding a membership for a year of massages that I had no idea how I GOT. I was feeling like "what the HELL just happened to me". Did they slip some GHB into that spa lemon water?

So I guess whether I like it or not, I now have a standing monthly massage - until I can figure out how to get out of it.

Recovering from the last blog

2009-04-05T13:54:00.001-07:00

I had to laugh as I read over that last one - it's so obviously written in the after 6 liquor store strength Henry Weinhard's tone. And being still a Utah citizen I really can't hold my liquor store grade beer.

Putting the Funk in Disfunktional

2009-03-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright already. I have been facing my issues for long enough that I should be an expert at them by now. But I think the only thing I've proven is that I can progressively get stupider at times when I'm not totally isolating myself.

I've gotten to this point where I'm not sure of the possibility of making a love match although I year to have someone to come home too. I miss having a man in my life although by now I'm sure that more than one person has suspected that I've sailed to the Isle of Lesbo (I wish it were that easy). The truth is that I really, really, really just suck at relationships. I think I could make a lesbian dike happier than I could make any man.

So this odd pity party is just brought on by in order of importance: Baby Daddy issue city, housework, lack of sleep, lack of sex, lack of money...lack of parental guidance and discipline for the "boy". Wouldn't all of the abocve be solved by a meaningful relationship? Maybe...maybe...I have to believe in magic. Or at least the possibility of matrimony - eventually. And Santa - I believe in that motherfucker too.

Oy, oy, oy...must sleep now.

One tidbit about Teaguers. He is obsessed by tattoos. Today at Reams we got him one that is a little bit girlie even though he doesn't seem to mind, a melty heart shaped Strawberry that I put on his chest. He's pretty proud. The daycare has actually started using the tattoos against him...he misbehaves, they remove a tattoo. Kind of like peeling back a toenail in an internment camp I'm sure.

Too much time on my hands

2009-03-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

The older I get the more I realize that I may just have some control issues. One of the worst being that I can't stand when my child is out of my sight. He is currently in the God forsaken country that is called Vernal. Practically the wild west where people own cows as pets and when I asked his dad why "Cause you can eat em or eat their young."

Wish I could do that with a dog. You get tired of the dog and you have a perfect excuse for a BBQ.

I think it's my imagination that's the worst. Somehow I just imagine my toddler sporting a pair of wranglers and little itty ropers in the middle of a muddy field with a bb gun and no supervision. Cringe. The imagination is just awful.

So the past two nights even though I've had absolute freedom, I've moped around the house like some lost soul - not knowing what to do with my hands without diapers to change, mouth to feed, dinosaur to play with. What to do, what to do.

Just holding my breath for my little man to come back. The house is just too empty without him.

Ho-Hum

2009-02-20T11:53:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling when the routine gets just well - too routine? I'm there right now. Feeling like a hamster in a big ol' wheel. I spent last night daydreaming about going to Brazil...but the thought of hopping on a 12-hour flight with a restless 2-year old is not really appealing. And seriously, when are the airlines going to incorporate playrooms for kids? Can I be the first person to suggest the on-air movie theater with Madagascar running straight for all the screaming trapped children 30,000 ft up?

Airlines and traveling just don't mix well with children I'm finding.

But one can dream right? One can dream.

So Here's a few picts from Randy's photo shoot (Dear Ex-hubby) Not too shabby. He's pretty handy with a camera.

Just swimmingly

2009-02-09T16:14:00.000-08:00

Hi, it's been a few days since I've blogged and I'm trying to stay committed to this thing, but you know how it goes...

Had a pretty fun weekend. Went with the kiddies to the Aquarium. Finally forked out the monies for a pass after debating the last 3xs I've gone there (for which the pass would have already paid itself). It's so funny watching Teague just run from one fish tank to the next pausing only for a minute or so to just make the rounds again. He was in "fast-forward" as I call it. The more tired he gets the faster he runs. It's an interesting phenomenon.

The worst spot for me has become the little lab they have set up where you can feel the creatures. The starfish, urchins, horseshoe crabs, etc. Teague basically just likes splashing the water around with no regard for the creatures in there. They cower in the corner and it just makes me nervous to have him manhandle their environment. He feels up the sand and pitters around their kingdoms in a very agressive way with his small hands.

I half expect him to splash the water out and then throw a starfish to the floor and I really have no idea how much a replacement starfish would cost, but I'm sure I'm not ready to pay it. Plus the whole "I'm letting my child be crazy, I'm an irresponsible parent who can't wait to leave and get back home to a glass of wine and a non-brimey environment thing".

Nice Quote

2009-02-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

So I was looking for some words of comfort for ZuZu and came across this quote from Collette. I love it.

"I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer."

Tell me something I didn't know

2009-01-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

I've been going to therapy. No big surprise. Failed marriage, failed affair, failed relationship with baby's dad - you get the picture. I'm really not wanting to fail anymore in the relationship department. Trust me, I am trying to work through the worst parts of myself right now. And it's a thing that might take a while. My therapist mentioned today Martyr Complex. Funny thing, it's not a new concept, almost a well-worn rug in the front room kind of concept. So I googled it and here's what it must look like from the inside. Bellini knows torment.

I'm not alone

2009-01-26T11:12:00.000-08:00

So just as I was thinking that I get to win the "Worst Mother of the Year" award (again). I realized that this poop thing isn't just my thing with my baby. I am not alone.

So I guess it's just a Horrifying Phase. I did get him a potty and he hasn't shown much interest in it other than standing in it and then throwing some toilet paper into it. But no real toilet training yet. Something tells me this is going to be an interesting learning process for both of us.

Wish me luck!

Stop. Potty Time.

2009-01-23T14:49:00.000-08:00

So these are still going to be brief since I had a hellofa week. Been really busy doing work, work, work and more work. No wonder I have been anxious and edgy. I sometimes totally neglect myself in this whole working process. And to top it off I've had the job of a maid thrown on me and made worse by the fact that my child has all of the sudden become interested in his own feces. I won't go into the gaggy details, I'll just say he's an artist and has done 3 murals this week. Someone call the Smithsonian.

I went to the dreaded Wal-mart today. The place you go when you are feeling dirty and white trash and want to buy beer and a toddler potty at the same time. Got a new little potty and we will see how this goes over. Stay tuned I'm sure this will get interesting. Eventually.

On Anxiety

2009-01-19T09:46:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been plagued by this mild sense of distress that for some reason is not being masked enough by my reduced potency anti-depressent. I just wish I knew what it was that was bothering me. The worst part is that I know it's probably a pile of things, like little ants swarming enough that they can actually eat a human alive. Little bills, little personal problems, little self-defeating behaviors, I'm so done with it.

Anyhoo...I will have to mull this over.

Indecision

2009-01-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

So, I'm trying to decide whether or not my child will eat lunch and take a nap here or if I need to resort to bad mommy tactics and take him to Burger King and have him nap in the car.

I just don't know, since he hasn't eaten anything I've cooked for him this week, and putting him in his crib at this point is an invitation to show me how quickly he can get out of it.

Hmmm...choices...

Hiatus

2009-01-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to blow the dust off of this blog (again) and try to exercise this rusty brain (again). So here goes, it will probably be a little disjointed for a bit, but I promise it will get better.

So there has been several things that have happened in the past couple of months. Namely a fabulous trip to Mexico (hello Michalada!), a Christmas trip to Vegas, and some messy stuff with the baby daddy. Not ready to go into that, but I'm sure that by sending "Love, Peace, and Light" his way should solve it. Right? RIGHT?

Anyhoo, this is just a starter paragraph. I will unlock a few more sentences here and there and then the blogs will flow like wine again.

And I wasn't even probed

2008-08-21T19:30:00.001-07:00

So it's around eight o'clock. I'm trying to download a converter so that I can open some excel spreadsheet to type in my projects for the week. I'm feeling resistant and frustrated. I just don't understand the dinosaur thinking that has overtaken our department lately. And I know that I'm not ever, ever, ever suppose to blog about work. But damnit - I have to get some of this negative power out, it's just coursing through my black veins right now.

On the plus side. I ran my first 10K and I didn't even die. I'm this out of shape, pudgy, overeatin', over drinkin, 30 something...and I didn't die. Pretty amazing. And it actually felt amazing, not sometimes while I was doing it, but afterwords it was the greatest high I've felt since giving birth to my baby. I felt like the old me again, if for just a second.

So let me just tell you about this race for a second, cause it was pretty damned cool. I don't know if it was having my sisters there or the whole E.T. theme to it, but it started feeling like a really cool twilight zone episode. One where they bus a bunch of unsuspecting runners into the middle of the desert for a mass abduction. We were all pumped on adrenaline and erie radio podcasts and our fabulous outfits - I tried to sleep on the 2-hour bus ride to Rachel, NV - but that just didn't happen. I was too giddy with excitement. The three of us sat at the back of the bus, which was an unfortunate decision since it smelt like septic tank and made this loud fart-like sound (and smell) every time someone used it. This sent us into stinking hysterics every episode. I'm sure the real serious runners were just dying at this point with us on their bus. At the first stop they handed out glow necklaces to everyone and it was really cool looking, this large group of glowing blinking people. It was like a rave without the music, drinking, ecstasy and hooking up.

They dropped my two sisters off for the 1/2 marathon and then dropped me off at the Little Alien-in - this weird kind of shack with a bar and a lot of extraterrestrial souvenirs amongst picnic tables and natives that looked like carnival workers. It was amped with just my kind of kitsch value and an edge of spookiness that made me almost join the cult of "believers".

We started off this deserted stretch of highway with nothing but the moon and our headlamps to light the way, it was like following the cast of Tron with all the glowsticks and reflective tape on. But pretty soon we spaced out and for the most part I was running by myself. I kept thinking that I had people behind me only to look back into the gaping darkness. I passed a little snake in the middle of the road and sagebrush and a serene landscape of mountains and dirt that looked oddly like the moon with vegetation. I pumped myself up on cheezy rave music and Radiohead and Sage Francis - it seriously felt like a spiritual experience.

And for that brief time the only thing I was feeling was my body moving, breathing, chugging along like an overloaded chu-chu train. Trickles of salty sweat and this feeling of being alive and that none of that work stuff, relationship failures, and financial bullshit meant anything in these kind of moments. I felt like this is really what my life is. Right here, right now.

So long story short - or short story long. I loved it. I can't wait for another one. I was slow, but I made it. And the best part was that was great to me. I think I would have felt just as good had I finished last - but still did it.

The next day me and Michele took our sleep-deprived exhausted bodies to the spa where I sat in the steam room and then got massages. We at crab legs and chowder at the oyster bar for a reward. It was awesome. I'm so lucky to have such wonderful sisters. I missed Charise, but next year no excuse.

10K this weekend! Yikes!~

2008-08-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

O.K. so I know that it's been about a month since my last entry. I've been busy alright. Busy doing what, I'm not really sure.

This weekend is the big 10K and I've only really worked up to being able to run 1 mile at a time. So I'm assuming it will take me about 6 hours to get through this - if I don't get magically transported by aliens before then. I've asked the guys at work to find me another run to keep myself motivated, cause so far, it's been great motivation. Even though I don't think I'm dropping drastic poundage, I'm feeling a bit more peppy I tell ya.

So we leave Friday for Vegas, it's going to be interesting to see how Teague does with the Trips, he was getting bossed around a bit by little Carter. I guess it will be a good intro into the tough world of daycare. Cue violins, I'm so sad about having to put him in daycare, but It has to be done. My sister-in-law is going back to work full time. So we will keep our fingers crossed that Teague takes to it.

Good night

2008-07-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm going to keep this brief since my battery is almost dead. Just wanted to do a post about my updated body obsession. I quit drinking beer this week. I'm so grumpy - I just want to jump off a roof. But you can't use an ice cold one as a crutch. Or cigarettes or sex or anything else fun. I'm learning that I will need to be practical and whining isn't going to get me back into my fighting shape.

Time is strapped, and I'm so tired these days. But I'm trying to find that silver lining, the light beyond...ugh.

Must. Stay. Motivated.

sparks anyone

2008-06-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Ran into a few roadblocks this week but managed to squeeze in a personal training session which has me a little sore today. The rest of the weeks pretty much been a bust. Will try to remedy that tonight.

Poor Teague has had an eye infection all week. I took him into the docs last night and have the little goopster on some antibiotics now.

I found a great site that I've signed up for - it's called sparkpeople

I've signed up here and hope it helps me keep track a little better as to what mischief I've been up to.

last week

2008-06-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

So I did pretty good last week and only at out once. It was the Olive Garden, and I had the salad, breadsticks, and soup. Then I got violently ill Thursday and didn't eat for two days. I was finally feeling a bit like myself on Saturday and was able to do a little much needed catch up at home.

I'm seriously having a hard time staying motivated though. I've got so much weight to lose. And the scale has not been budging a pound. I'm starting to get a little desperate. I know it's all about perseverance. But it seems to me that everyone has lost the baby weight except me. And I'm so unhappy about it. I'm tired of being the fat girl. This isn't me - and I know I'm being so hard on myself, but I can't help it.

So starting this week, I'm going to pay alot more attention to my diet. I think I'm going to cut out any beverage that has carbs except for my one cup o' joe a day. That means I'm giving up my beer habit. Which is my horrible way of unwinding at night. I guess I'm switching to tea for that. I've also got to step up my game on the work out. I want to try to be able to run a mile w/out being winded by the end of the month. (fingers crossed). So let's see how it goes.

Friday - I've got to stop eating out!~

2008-06-06T15:56:00.001-07:00

So for breakfast I was really good and just had yogurt w/ granola and some turkey bacon. For lunch...duhn duhn dunh - I ended up at Joe's Crab Shack - which I guess isn't horrible, I mean a girl's got to eat protien right?

So I split a steam bucket with my mama - we each had about 4 crab legs, a little potato and some corn. I think the worst part was probably the "stuffed mushrooms" swimming in this yummy heart valve chocking cheese sauce of some sort.

So I'm going to try to be good this evening and take Teague kicking and screaming to the health food store and get some frolicking organic hippy stuff to sustain us through next week. I'm totally brown bagging it after this week.

I just signed up for a 5k race and a 10k one in August (Lord help me now) - which I have never done before. Should be good motivation.

www.wemakeadifferencenow.org
http://calicoracing.squarespace.com/et-full-moon-midnight-maratho/

Hope you all have a great weekend!

For Sue

2008-06-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

So I guess I've neglected my child :) Here are some pictures from the Zion's Trip:

He was a trooper, but still not much of a hiker. The monkey on his back is actually a "leash" to keep him from plummeting to his death and also to aggravate him to tears. He spent most of the hikes either asleep or laying on the trail screaming.

Luckily for me - I wasn't the only person up there torturing my child. It seemed like every body that I passed that was Teague size was crying. Poor kids.

Formula for disaster

2008-06-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

I think I'm figuring out the formula to my problem:

Pregnancy weight + Work + Work Luncheons = Beer x current weight x 2

How many calories are in Corona Extra and Corona Light 12 ounce bottles?
Corona Extra has 148 calories, Corona Light has 105 calories.

What is the alcohol content of Corona Extra?
Corona Extra has 4.6% alcohol by volume.

How long has Corona been sponsoring Jimmy Buffett?
20 years.

Where does Modelo brew its beer?
All Modelo beers are brewed in its 8 breweries in Mexico.

What are the ingredients in Corona Extra?
Corona Extra is made with all natural ingredients, water, barley, hops and yeast.

Does Corona Extra come in draft?
Corona Extra in the U.S. comes in a 7, 12 or 24 ounce unique clear painted label bottle and in some markets a 12 oz. can.

Tuesday - duh duh duuuuhn

2008-06-03T20:53:00.000-07:00

Trying to find a balance between work, mom, and human is so hard these days. I hardly have a second of downtime. And seriously I'm needing it.

I took a couple of days this weekend but I'm feeling like I need more like three months or a year off. Is that possible these days? I guess you need a nice cushion of expendable income which I don't think anyone in my family for three generations has had.

Anyhoo - here is my food crime log

Breakfast: Granola bar and milk

Lunch: Chipotle Chicken Burrito Bowl with a Diet Coke

Dinner: didn't want to cook wanted to swim instead so opted for naughty fast food and had a McDick's cheeseburger and a fruit parfait. The guilt - no wonder why I'm not losing these horrid pounds.

On the bright side - swimming was fun, my kid thinks he's 17 not twenty months. He thinks he can swim without me and protests loudly when I'm helping him. Baby, baby, you are so silly.

How am I going to get my groove back?

2008-06-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

So I meant to track what was going on with me and my body issues after popping "one" darling baby out.

I started with a personal training a couple of months ago, and have managed to up my activity from sitting on the couch downing a pack of E.L. Fudge's and 3-6 beers a night. So any improvement works.

I figure some women's post-partum depression take different forms. Some get depressed, some attack their kids, and some just get fat.

That's so me right now. I guess it's better than driving my child into a lake or being checked into a mental hospital, but damn.

So anyway - I'm starting again on the wagon with a clean slate. After coming back from vacation where every picture of me looks like a whale. I'm such a swollen version of myself - I don't think I can handle seeing those pictures anymore.

So I'm going to try to do a daily journal to keep tally of if I'm doing good or not.

So far today I've had:

Toast w/ peanut butter
1/2 bowl of oatmeal

Cajun oysters
3 tomato slices
A little zucchini
Some bread & artichoke dip

(bad lunch - bad me)

coffee

2008-04-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

You were like the coffee in this Styrofoam cup
Rancid in the flicker of office lights

I need you

But you give me heartburn
And scald going down

You are even worse when you are cold
And worse still when you are not strong enough

I need you

Like a weekend needs another hangover
You keep me up at night

I want to Brew a fresh cup
But you left me an empty filter

I’m switching to de-caff

Losing myself

2008-04-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

After having a baby I puffed up like a swollen version of myself. I don’t know if it’s something I expected. I was always concerned that I had an obese woman in me just dying to get out and ruin my life. And well, lately it’s felt like that bitch is winning.

I woke up to realize that I’m 40 pounds overweight. 40 fucking pounds. I mean, that is twice what my baby weighs. How can this happen? It’s like I fell asleep in a vat of fat for the past two years.

So, I’ve decided to make some changes, I’m tired of being bitter about it and letting that bitterness just exhaust me more. I’m tired of being jealous of my beautiful skinny sisters (especially you Zuzu). I’m just plain tired.

The guilt of motherhood has kept me homebound afterwork. I don’t spend enough time with my sweet little boy and that has kept me away from the gym. But I’m also sure that my sweet little boy would rather have a happy, healthy mom than the slug I’ve turned into.

I know this may sound like I’m being harsh, and believe me I have been. I’ve sunk into pits of self-loathing so deep that I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to climb out. But I read a passage in a book that said “I am worth fighting for”. And that stuck with me.

I am now working out with a trainer, although it’s slow going. I’ve got a lot of work to do. Thirty minutes of cardio a day and weights every other day to start out and my schedule is hard enough to fit that in as little as that sounds.

Today I “did” Billy Blanks Tao Bo. Something about his glistening black skin…I’m working out and hating him, but yet imagining what he’d be like in bed at the same time (that goes for you Tom Morely – Mr. Hot Yoga man).

So I’m going to use this blog for a little while to document the pain of the gain and loss as I’m am ready to lose a little bit of me.

xoxo